I had to write this for my therapist:
I ignore the fact that I'm lonely because I've been lonely so long that I've given up and decided that there's nothing I can do about it. There are no people in my life to soothe the pain from it... so why should I let myself feel it? It's much less painful to just disown the feeling all together and pretend like I'm perfectly fine and content with solitude.
I've always felt that I just don't fit in with people and never will. It doesn't matter how badly I need people or want to be around people- I feel that it is a lost cause. I feel awkward and I feel that I lack the social abilities needed to get by in this world. It's been this way for so long that I now tell myself that I don't need anyone and that I'm much happier being alone. The truth is that while, yes, I like being alone, I wouldn't mind having some people in my life. I want a friend to giggle with and cry with and to give me a hug when things go awry. I want to come out of my shell and live for once, but there is no one there to help pull me out. They say that relationships are important in beating this disease, but I'm completely and totally alone in this thing called recovery.
I do feel that being lonely is weakness, though, and that's another reason that I don't let myself feel it. Loneliness is accepting the fact that you can't do things on your own and that you're dependent on someone else. I've always liked the idea of being totally self sufficient and being all that I need. I don't want to need anyone else because other people can let you down or hurt you- and everyone in my life always seems to leave. I also don't trust anyone and this makes me have a hard time forming relationships because I don't believe anyone when they say that they like me. I find myself so completely unlovable and unworthy of human contact that I believe anyone that says they like me is either lying or taking pity on me.
I think it would be better for me if I did accept the fact that I need people, but sometimes it's just too painful. Accepting the fact that I need people involves accepting the fact that I don't currently have any and it involves accepting the fact that nobody currently finds me interesting or lovable enough to be my friend. It also involves accepting the fact that I may be doing something wrong or that something might be wrong with me.
However, I realize that until I accept this fact, there will never be anyone in my life because I won't go out looking. Denying that I'm lonely only enables me to retreat deeper into myself and away from others. Deep down I am aware that I DO need others, but I've been getting by on my own so long that this is difficult to come to terms with. The fact of the matter is, though, that I've been JUST getting by. I need other people in my life in order to actually live.
The thing is, even though you sometimes push people away, you still have people who care about you. You have me and Ggw, your friends in Virginia, that Karin chick, and I'm sure there are lots of people from the creek who care about you too.
ReplyDeleteYeah, we're not there and I know that sucks. But just think about it. You make friends no matter where you go. So just think how things would be if you accepted that you need people and really tried.
You can be completely independent and still need people. You live your own life, but sometimes it helps to have someone there to talk or listen. Life is hard, and sometimes it helps to have someone there to lighten the load. Theres no shame in that. That doesn't make you weak. It makes you strong enough to realize and accept the fact that you can't do everything. No one can do everything. You can only do your best.
I know you've been hurt in the past. I know a lot of people have failed you, including your parents, and it's really hard to get past something like that. But I'm always going to be here for you. Always. I do love you, and nothing you could ever say or do would ever change that. You can think I'm lying or think that I'll leave you, I don't care. I'll prove you wrong.
You're an amazing person and a great friend. Even if you don't see it, you're beautiful inside and out. That's how people see you. They can't help fall in love with you because you're just an awesome person. Eventually you're going to see that, and I intend to be around when you do.
It's a very scary thing opening up. You're putting yourself out there to be hurt, but you're also putting yourself out there to be loved. Trust me when I say being loved is worth the risk of being hurt. And if anyone ever does hurt you, you'll still have me and all your other friends standing by you to help you through it.
I love you so much dude. <3