Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one having so many slips. I feel like everyone else is doing so well in recovery and I'm falling flat on my face. Logically, I know this can't be true, but I still feel like I'm doing worse than everyone and I feel like I'm a complete failure for it. I keep taking one step forward and then 20 backwards and I feel like I just can't do this when everyone else can. I keep wondering- Is it normal to have so many slips? ...Or am I just weak and incapable of ever recovering from this disease?
I was talking to my therapist the other day and the word "recovery" came out of my mouth. The word felt so foreign and it almost felt like it didn't really apply. I think this is because I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I AM in recovery despite the fact that I'm having such a difficult time of it. Sometimes I am struggling so badly that I completely forget that I'm supposed to be getting better and I convince myself that I'm still a full bulimic and that nothing has changed. I need to start accepting the fact that recovery isn't perfect- that there are going to be slips and it's okay. It doesn't mean that I've failed.
It's hard being the only one from MC in Montgomery, though. I keep wishing that I lived in Birmingham so that I could meet up with the other girls, talk to them, and not feel so completely alone in this all of the time. There's no EDA group available here so I never get to talk to anyone else like me. Being so isolated makes me wonder if I'm the only one struggling or if everyone else is battling similar problems. I have no one to talk to but my therapist.. and of course she would never tell me that I was abnormal.
I want this so badly, I really do. I'm mentally exhausted and my body is so tired of the constant abuse. But I just can't seem to do it, I keep falling again and again and again.
Do you still talk to any of the people you met there? I'm sure you're not the only one going through this. You should talk to them about it. Even if you can't do it in person, it might help being able to support each other that way.
ReplyDeleteAnd did you ever talk to your therapist about starting your own group? Cause I think that'd be really great for you too. It would give you something to do, let you meet people, and have a strong support system, which is really important.
It took me years before I was able to fully recover. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but its the truth. It wasn't always as hard as what you're going through now. There were times when I was fine for months, then one little thing would mess me up. I just want you to understand that theres always going to be slips, but as long as you keep moving forward, you can get through them. Knowing that you're strong enough to get past those slips is what makes it so you don't have them anymore.
You CAN do this. You just have to keep moving forward and you will recover.
Hang in there. I love you. <3
...oh, and again, you should start your own group there. Just sayin'.