A few weeks ago, my therapist had me read a bulimia self help book and there was a chapter in it that I really liked and that has stuck in my head. It talked about how sometimes it feels like the "thin convention" must be in town because everywhere you look are girls that are seemingly smaller than you.
And you know what? Yesterday was definitely one of those days. The thin people convention MUST have been in town because EVERYONE was thinner than me. Literally. Everyone.
I went to a baseball game with my dad and I was surrounded. I felt like a giant blob in a sea of tiny women and had a very difficult time focusing on the game because all I could think about was the fact that I was CLEARLY the biggest person attending the game.
Well okay, maybe I'm lying. I'm 99% sure that it was all in my head but it was still a major struggle to sit through the game and ignore the voice in my head that was telling me that I needed to restrict, binge, purge, exercise, and do everything possible to fix what I logically knew was an imaginary problem.
I understand that I have BDD. I logically know that what I see isn't the real me, but it's hard to fully comprehend that it's all in my head when I can SEE it in the mirror. How can I argue with something that I can visibly see? How can I not believe what my eyes are showing me every time I catch a glimpse of my reflection? How can I ignore such concrete evidence?
I'm really not sure.
I was told at MC that it would take a while to go away. I was told that it could take 8 months after the eating disorder subsided for body image to even begin to improve, but I really hate that it's the case. I think recovery would be so much easier if I didn't see a blob in the mirror. I think I'd be more comfortable with eating if I didn't see myself blimp up after every single meal and if the mirror didn't convince me that I could gain 20 pounds after eating a sandwich.
I truly hate that body image doesn't improve first off in the recovery process. I wish that I could look in the mirror tomorrow and just fully accept myself. I would never go back to my eating disorder if that were the case. Never.
I use to feel exactly like this when I was anorexic. The hardest was the beach because everyone there would be wearing these tiny little bathing suits and they all seemed soooo much thinner than me.
ReplyDeleteI think I've told you this before, but one day I was at the beach just watching people. This chick walked by and I thought she was so pretty and thin and just amazing. Then I stopped and made myself *really* look at her. The stupid voices in my head were telling me that she was so much thinner than me and I would never be that pretty, but somehow I managed to shut them up long enough for me to have a rational though. I always had problems with my legs and thighs, so that's that first thing I compared. I made myself look at her legs, then mine. REALLY look at them. I realized that hers were about the same size even though mine looked and felt SO much bigger.
I know it sounds stupid and I know you probably shouldn't be comparing yourself to every person you see, but that moment was sort of a wake up call for me. It was really, really hard to make myself see what I actually looked like. But once I did, I realized that if I can see beauty in other people, especially ones that are the same size as me, why can't I see it in me?
It was a really amazing moment for me and it was sorta like my breaking point. At that point I knew *I* was in control and not the eating disorder anymore.
It starts off really, really, REALLY hard. But it does get better. I know you don't see yourself the way others see you. But I promise you that if you keep at it and keep going strong, you will. And once you do, it is the best feeling in the world.
You CAN do this. Just hang in there.