I was told today that I am stabilizing. My weight and vitals are consistently improving and I no longer need to see a doctor on a weekly basis. He meant for this to be a good thing, and it is I guess, but in my head I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I am no longer "that sick." It almost feels like I am losing a part of myself and it is terrifying.
I realize that it so incredibly stupid to be fearful of losing it. I want to recover, I want to get better- but I still have a major attachment to being ill. I think I associate being deep in my eating disorder with being a child and with having people care about me. I feel like, if I give it up, no one will care any more- however ridiculous that sounds. There is a part of my brain that is convinced that everyone will leave me if I'm healthy and no longer truly in need of them.
Hearing that I'm stabilizing sort of freaks me out. I know it doesn't mean that I'm suddenly cured, and every day is still a massive struggle, but it was terrifying to hear that I'm winning the fight and that my eating disorder is dying.
I know that I want it gone and that I'm ready to be healthy, but I don't know how to be healthy. I don't know what normal people do or think and I don't know how to be independent. Being told that I'm stabilizing implies that I am getting closer to being healthy and independent, and I honestly want to prolong that as long as possible because I feel so horribly unprepared and scared.
I know I should be happy and proud that all my hard work is paying off, but I'm truly not. I'm scared. And I don't know how to live without an eating disorder.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Something is Wrong with Me
Sometimes I feel like having an eating disorder is so silly. Everybody else seems to know how to eat, what to eat, and when to eat without ever being taught. They do it so effortlessly and without thinking, but for some reason I have to struggle with it every minute of the day. This often makes me feel like something is wrong with me because everybody else seems to be able to do something that I can't. I often feel stupid and weak and incapable for having an eating disorder. I'm always looking at other people and wondering- why is it so easy for them but not me?
I'm still struggling with feeling very alone in this. It was so different in treatment because everyone around me was battling the same thing so I never felt alienated, ashamed, or abnormal. Out of treatment, however, things are so much different. Nobody seems to be like me and I often feel that I am the only one in the entire world battling this disease.
It doesn't help that my dad is often frustrated with me for not being 100% better. He, along with everyone else, thinks that my problems are trivial and that I should have an easy time with food like other people. He doesn't understand and he often makes comments that make me feel weak and like a freak.
I'm really struggling to get by, and I never anticipated how incredibly difficult recovery would be. The general idea behind it is so simple: eat, keep the food down, don't berate yourself. I never expected the battle to be so hard and now I am paying for it. The eating disordered part of my head is still so strong and my own voice is still barely audible. I feel that that it could be a very long time before I beat this, and I'm still not sure that I have it in me to keep up the fight that long. All I want to do is wake up tomorrow and have it be gone.
I'm still struggling with feeling very alone in this. It was so different in treatment because everyone around me was battling the same thing so I never felt alienated, ashamed, or abnormal. Out of treatment, however, things are so much different. Nobody seems to be like me and I often feel that I am the only one in the entire world battling this disease.
It doesn't help that my dad is often frustrated with me for not being 100% better. He, along with everyone else, thinks that my problems are trivial and that I should have an easy time with food like other people. He doesn't understand and he often makes comments that make me feel weak and like a freak.
I'm really struggling to get by, and I never anticipated how incredibly difficult recovery would be. The general idea behind it is so simple: eat, keep the food down, don't berate yourself. I never expected the battle to be so hard and now I am paying for it. The eating disordered part of my head is still so strong and my own voice is still barely audible. I feel that that it could be a very long time before I beat this, and I'm still not sure that I have it in me to keep up the fight that long. All I want to do is wake up tomorrow and have it be gone.
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