Sometimes I feel like having an eating disorder is so silly. Everybody else seems to know how to eat, what to eat, and when to eat without ever being taught. They do it so effortlessly and without thinking, but for some reason I have to struggle with it every minute of the day. This often makes me feel like something is wrong with me because everybody else seems to be able to do something that I can't. I often feel stupid and weak and incapable for having an eating disorder. I'm always looking at other people and wondering- why is it so easy for them but not me?
I'm still struggling with feeling very alone in this. It was so different in treatment because everyone around me was battling the same thing so I never felt alienated, ashamed, or abnormal. Out of treatment, however, things are so much different. Nobody seems to be like me and I often feel that I am the only one in the entire world battling this disease.
It doesn't help that my dad is often frustrated with me for not being 100% better. He, along with everyone else, thinks that my problems are trivial and that I should have an easy time with food like other people. He doesn't understand and he often makes comments that make me feel weak and like a freak.
I'm really struggling to get by, and I never anticipated how incredibly difficult recovery would be. The general idea behind it is so simple: eat, keep the food down, don't berate yourself. I never expected the battle to be so hard and now I am paying for it. The eating disordered part of my head is still so strong and my own voice is still barely audible. I feel that that it could be a very long time before I beat this, and I'm still not sure that I have it in me to keep up the fight that long. All I want to do is wake up tomorrow and have it be gone.
You just have to keep trying and keep moving forward. It'll get easier, and as it does, that eating disordered part of your head will get weaker, and your own voice will get stronger. It doesn't matter what other people think. They don't understand and you don't have to prove anything to them. You just have to prove it to yourself, and you can do that.
ReplyDeleteTheres nothing wrong with you. I think of it like, everyday, people are involved in incidents that rob them the ability to be 'normal'. Maybe they'll be in a car accident and won't be able to walk or talk because of how hurt they got. They have to be retaught how to do all that stuff. But they're not weak, right? So why would you be?
The way I see it, an eating disorder takes away the ability to do normal things, just like a car accident might do, but only temporarily. As soon as you make the decision and say to yourself, I AM going to get better, I AM going to beat this, you're already winning.
It's not going to be easy, but it does get easier. You are strong enough to do this.