I was told today that I am stabilizing. My weight and vitals are consistently improving and I no longer need to see a doctor on a weekly basis. He meant for this to be a good thing, and it is I guess, but in my head I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I am no longer "that sick." It almost feels like I am losing a part of myself and it is terrifying.
I realize that it so incredibly stupid to be fearful of losing it. I want to recover, I want to get better- but I still have a major attachment to being ill. I think I associate being deep in my eating disorder with being a child and with having people care about me. I feel like, if I give it up, no one will care any more- however ridiculous that sounds. There is a part of my brain that is convinced that everyone will leave me if I'm healthy and no longer truly in need of them.
Hearing that I'm stabilizing sort of freaks me out. I know it doesn't mean that I'm suddenly cured, and every day is still a massive struggle, but it was terrifying to hear that I'm winning the fight and that my eating disorder is dying.
I know that I want it gone and that I'm ready to be healthy, but I don't know how to be healthy. I don't know what normal people do or think and I don't know how to be independent. Being told that I'm stabilizing implies that I am getting closer to being healthy and independent, and I honestly want to prolong that as long as possible because I feel so horribly unprepared and scared.
I know I should be happy and proud that all my hard work is paying off, but I'm truly not. I'm scared. And I don't know how to live without an eating disorder.
i can relate to every word in your post.
ReplyDeletei know i don't know you, but i promise that i had the exact same thoughts in my head just a few months ago.
you're right. it is absolutely terrifying to imagine life without your disorder.
just take it a day at a time.
i promise- you'll look up one day and realize you're living out what you thought was impossible.
keep it up. it's so worth it.
It's always a scary thing growing up and leaving a part of you behind. But I promise you this is a really good thing. You should be proud that you're improving. And it's okay if you're not, it doesn't sound ridiculous, but this really is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm always going to love and care about you. That's never going to change. Not if you're healthy, sick, or even a 90 year old dude. We've been over this. I'm with you till the end.
Just take it one day at a time. The most important thing is that you keep moving forward. You can do this dude.
I hope you decide to continue writing. :)
ReplyDelete