I can feel myself slipping and I don't like it. A week ago Dr. Olson told me that I was doing better. Now I'm not so sure. I'm having a hard time getting through a day without engaging in some kind of negative behavior. I keep telling myself to try harder but this is so much more difficult than anything that I could have imagined.
I don't think I expected recovery to be so hard when I took the first steps toward it a few months ago. There was still part of me that thought I could "just stop" if I wanted to badly enough, but it's becoming more and more obvious that I can't.
Every day is such a battle and I'm starting to get frustrated because I don't see myself making much progress. I feel like I should be further along than I am right now, and I feel like such a failure for being in this place. I can feel myself starting to get into a "fuck it" mindset where I convince myself that it's okay to do negative things because I've already done so much of it that "one more time won't matter."
I need to keep reminding myself that it does matter because it truly does. Each time I engage in these behaviors, it is a step back towards my old life and I never want to go back there.
I'm just struggling and I wish this wasn't so hard. I know that it takes a lot of work, and I'm going to keep fighting for sure, but boy do I wish that I could wake up tomorrow and have everything suddenly stop. Why can't it be that easy?
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