I'm not going to lie. I haven't been taking my medications over the past three days. Part of me doesn't trust that they're really doing anything and I want to see for myself if there is any difference with or without them. So far I haven't noticed any change in my mood or behavior and it's making me not want to go back.
I realize that's probably dangerous but I don't understand why I'm not seeing a difference when I'm not on them. I'm not any more depressed, I'm not sleeping different, my anxiety hasn't increased. I feel the exact same.
For the longest time, I've been skeptical about medication and I've refused to take it. It was only about 2 or 3 months ago that I finally admitted to myself that I truly did need to be on something. I was wary of it and convinced myself that it wasn't going to do anything, but it did.
Others started to notice that I had more energy and that my personality was starting to come out more instead of me being so dead all of the time. They said that they noticed a remarkable change, but now I wonder if it was really the medication or if I was getting better because I was at MC and therefore eating and being healthier.
I'm one of those people that needs to see things for myself because I have a hard time trusting things. I know that I should never have done this little experiment, but it truly is bothering me. My head is telling me that I'm taking all of this stuff for nothing and that I'm wasting money on it when I clearly don't need it. I'm really not sure what to believe.
I want to trust my treatment team because I think that's an important part of recovery, but it's another one of those concrete evidence things. If I don't feel any different without it, why am I taking all of it?
I don't know. I think I need to stop taking things into my own hands and just go along with what my treatment team says. This little experiment never should have happened and I should probably go back to taking the pills before something really bad happens. I'm just finding them hard to trust now and that's probably not for the best.
not going to tell you what to do, but i quit taking my meds one time. about a week after i stopped taking them i started crying uncontrollably and couldn't stop. for like 2 days. and i really hurt some people in the process.
ReplyDeleteI took them this morning because I realized I was stupid. I know it's definitely a bad idea. I just have a hard time trusting medication for some reason, I put up a fight for years. Sometimes I feel like it's not doing anything and the effect is all in my head. It's hard to say one way or the other but I'm definitely not going to stop it again.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you started taking them again and I really hope you'll continue to take them. Like the person above said, you don't always feel the effects right away. Sometimes it can take days, weeks, even months, but the effects are still there and its a really dangerous thing to do.
ReplyDeleteBe safe. :( I love you <3