I got a bit of a wakeup call today when I went to see my therapist. I told her what I'd been doing the past few days and her response was- "Is recovery really your goal? Do you actually want to get better or not?"
The truth is that I don't know sometimes.
I want so badly to stop purging. I want to feel like an actual human being and not just a bulimic. I want to have a social life and I want to regain control of my life and I want to love myself.
But there is still part of me that feels like bulimia is my identity and it's so difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that getting rid of the eating disorder involves giving that identity up. For the past 6 years, I've been in a constant battle with either anorexia or bulimia and I don't know who I am without it. I don't know what I'd think about if I wasn't obsessing over food. I don't know what I'd feel or what I'd do or who I'd be.
Recovery is like stepping out into the dark and not knowing who you'll be when you get to the other side. It could be that something amazing awaits me or it could be that things are still going to be hell with or without the eating disorder.
Every time I tell someone this, they're always confused. They ask me- "What can be worse than being in an eating disorder?" and I never quite know the answer. Living in an eating disorder is absolute hell and I can't imagine anything worse, but I am still scared. I am scared of being an independent woman, of growing up, and of failure. I've proven beyond doubt that I can have an eating disorder, but I haven't had a chance yet to prove to myself that I can live on my own as a fully functional adult and I'm not sure that I can do it. I feel like I'll fall flat on my face if I even attempt it.
I am beyond scared at the moment. I feel like everyone is starting to turn their backs and give up on me. My therapists doubts that I'm really trying, but I honestly am. Every day is a battle, some days are an all out war. I know I'm making a lot of mistakes but I truly feel like I am giving it my all. I really do want to get better. I do. It's just terrifying sometimes. Beyond terrifying.
Everyone is scared of growing up. No one ever knows who they're going to be and honestly I think its going to take a while before any of us figure out 'who' we really are. I know it's gotta be harder for all this stuff to be happening all at once, but growing up doesn't have to be a bad thing. This can be a new chapter of your life, and a better one for you. You CAN make it, and you CAN recover. That's something you always need to remember.
ReplyDeletePeople with eating disorders have a lot of strength. They have to. You just need to take that strength and put it towards getting better instead of getting worse. I believe that's what you're doing, and that's what you need to keep doing. Keep trying even when you feel like giving up. There will be mistakes and it will be hard, but you can do it. You just need to remember that.
I don't care about everyone else, I'm always going to be here for you and I'm never going to give up on you. I love you tons and you can do this.