My body image today is at its worst. I'm currently sitting here wearing my baggiest sweatpants and my baggiest shirt and I still feel like it's somehow not baggy enough. I'm not sure why it's so bad, but I just feel at an all time low.
I went for my 30 minute walk and couldn't focus on anything except for how my legs were jiggling with every step. I normally enjoy the exercise and the fresh air, but today was so much different. I just wanted to crawl out of my skin more and more with each passing second.
I did do a good deed, though, and I am quite proud of myself for it. I was walking through a nearby neighborhood and there was a lady in a wheelchair with an artificial leg struggling to get her trash can down to the curb. I stepped up and took it down for her and she thanked me and said I was so sweet for helping her. It sounds so silly but it made me feel like a good person for a few minutes. It reassured me that maybe I'm not 'that' bad after all.
Today I am determined to fight the eating disorder as much as I can. I feel like the past week has been a losing battle, but I don't want it to be that way any more. I need to tell the voice in my head to shut up and I need to take the control back that I seem to have lost. Today I am determined to make it through without purging or self harming. I'm going to fill out job applications and try to be productive instead of spending my entire day binging and purging and/or thinking about binging and purging. Today has started off rocky but I am going to make the best of it. I can't keep letting the eating disorder win.
i can totally relate to a similar experience i had with a walk. with every step i imagined the sidewalk cracking and crumbling under my "massive" thighs. this was on the way to class and as soon as i got there i realized i wasn't going to be able to walk inside. i sat outside behind the building and cried for the next hour.
ReplyDeletenot trying to be negative or anything, but looking back on that, it feels like it was a long time ago, and a different mind than what i think with now. i hope this encourages you. it gets better. i promise. you're always going to have bad days, but the not bad days turn into good days and they start happening more often.
praying for you.